From Producer Mom- to Mom- to ???

    I was a late in life mom, already 20 years into my career in broadcast journalism when my one and only precious daughter finally arrived.   But by then there was no discussion over whether I would be a stay at home or working mom as I was so firmly ensconced in the workplace. It wasn’t just the money, although that was certainly a factor, it was that being a news producer was who I was. I thrived on the excitement and the stress of the news business, of waking up not knowing that by day’s end I’d be in Oklahoma where a federal building had just been bombed or in Colorado where a massive school shooting had taken place or perhaps interviewing a famous person.   I loved the deadline pressure, and the joy of putting a great piece on television.  I had been blessed with finding the right career for me, one that I loved and was successful at and I wasn’t going to give it up.

Federal Bldng,Oklahoma City 1995

Live Shot with Al and Tipper Gore, 1994

  I figured since so many other moms managed, I would to. And I did. For ten years, I made it to most of the class plays, the thanksgiving Feasts, the Chanukah grab bags, the yearly graduations and all the stuff in between. Sometimes racing from airports to get there.  I was that mom you know so well, the one with the blackberry on her lap sneaking in emails and phone calls between snapping pictures. I did everything with my phone to my ear.  When I woke my daughter at 7 am, I was   on a morning conference call.  When I walked her to school, I was taking phone calls and still doing the same in the evening when I was doing homework and reading a bedtime story. Oftentimes I would leave work to be home for dinner and go back after my daughter was in bed. Even my Sunday soccer outings were interrupted by more conference calls and e-mails.  Still, I felt blessed to have everything I dreamed of, a wonderful happy daughter, and a demanding but fulfilling job.

Nursery Graduation

  It all came to a screeching halt in February. I knew layoffs were coming but I never dreamed I’d see my name on the list. I was offered and accepted a buyout. I was shocked, saddened and a little angry, but I was also excited at the prospect of  NOT WORKING for the first time in my adult life. Suddenly I was on the other side of the mommy divide. A stay at home mom.

  The first big shock was my blackberry. Talk about going from 60 to Zero. On Friday morning I woke up with the usual 60 or so emails.  On Monday, I had one. It was from Bed Bath and beyond. I thought my blackberry was broken. It took a few days before I realized no one had a reason to email me overnight or hardly at all. Same with the phone calls. There were none, other than my mom and sometimes my husband. Everyone else I knew was working. For the first time ever I turned off my cell phone at night.

   Contrary to my expectations, my daughter was not entirely joyful at this turn of events. She said she was going to miss playing in my office, something she often did on Sundays and on the nights when both my husband and I were working late. And she was going to miss the perks that came with my job. Over the years, she met Elmo,Miley Cyrus and the Jonas brothers to name a few. If you have a tween, you know what a star that made her in the fourth grade. She also wasn’t thrilled with my sudden total attentiveness to her homework.

On the set of Hannah Montana

  My husband too had mixed feelings. Yes I was still getting paid, but he worried I’d be bored, start calling him too much or even expect him to join me for lunch.

  My daughter starts school at 8AM and finishes at 4:30.. and in between the hours were suddenly all mine.  I bought a notebook and started a wish list and a to do list and began tackling my free time the way I would a project at work. I learned that staying home is a lot more expensive than working. Lots of things on my to do list were getting done and they all cost money. My daughter got a new room- wallpaper, new desk, vanity, the works.., the kitchen baseboards were painted,  I put together an expensive photo book of our last vacation and put hundreds of photos in albums. Closets got cleaned, and bills, some dating back five years, finally get filed. I also made friends with the dentist I had ignored for years.

  High on my to do list was going to the gym. I already had a membership but was a no show for about three years. I’m proud to say I’m now a regular at the 9:15 cycling class. I can wave to a few familiar faces and don’t even have to hide in the back row anymore.

  The big surprise was how quickly the time fills up. I took my daughter to the dentist and bought her new shoes while I was working, but it was one of ten things I did that day. Now, those errands were outings.  

  I was anxious to do some good in my free time. To me it was a simple equation:  volunteering + stay at home mom = PTA. I dove in right away. Unfortunately for me the next fundraiser involved designing, packing and  sending gift baskets for the Jewish holiday of Purim. Let me say that I found out in about ten minutes how bad I am at making bows. I am no good with double sided tape either. I can however dump candy into bags and count boxes. It wasn’t exactly how I thought I’d  put my talents to use but I was dipping my toes in the water and learning as I went along.  I met and slowly became friends with some very exceptional women. I found projects where I could be more helpful, organizing a cleanup at an abandoned synagogue...working publicity for some local events, and signing up for various committees as the new school year gets underway. My daughter gets a kick out of seeing me in school in the middle of the day and loves that I pick her up every afternoon. Sometimes we go for ice cream before going home.

  I’m now eight months into my “early retirement.” On my wish list I can cross off join a book club, I did that, along with joining a  weekly synagogue class and a pottery class. But I haven’t  yet learned Spanish or taken surfing lessons and despite my earlier cleaning and fixing frenzy my  home office is a mess again.  My blackberry is back to buzzing once again. O.K., I cheated and signed up for a bunch of on-line news sites  just to keep it humming..  But it’s not just that.. I have emails from the school, the PTA, the synagogue, my book club and former acquaintances who are now friends.

 My exit deal mandated that I not work all this time.. but soon I can start working again and I’ve slowly started putting out feelers.  I realize the economy sucks and at 55 I’m old for the workplace, but I’m smart, and talented, honest, hardworking and hopeful. I’m over the identity crisis. I was a producer for 30 years and even if I’m not doing it anymore I carry those experiences with me as I start the next phase of my life..